This dress was meant to end up on your floor
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
