jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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