when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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