after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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