ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
