I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
