I wish my penis had an off switch
it hurts more in the daytime
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
BRING THE BAGELS
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
