i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
