If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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