our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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