my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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