the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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