I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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