I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
