two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
