Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
