I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i need an iv and a liver transplant
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
