bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
