What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
