Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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