Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
