come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
