the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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