I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
