Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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