Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
