she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My bed smells like the plague
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