I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
