what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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