I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
