Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
