Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize