Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
