Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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