I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
