Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I am puke
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
