why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
