Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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