I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
