k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
