started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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