What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
