I didn't shave. On purpose
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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