i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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