Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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