I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
