Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
