Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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