I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
