New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
