The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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