Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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