You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
did you just send me my own nude
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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