his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize