I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
