I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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