Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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