i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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