i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
