So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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