yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
