Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
