I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
