i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
