I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
