she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I love you.
Bad choice
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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