i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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