I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
