I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
