Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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