I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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